When does the Christmas season begin?
Is it in August when Costco starts to put out their holiday merchandise?
Is it right after the Halloween decorations have been stored away or Black Friday sales have ended?
Maybe it’s the craft fairs, markets and other festivities that mark the season?
Certainly, by this time the sights and sounds of Christmas are in full swing. Hallmark movies are readily available, always ending in a 90-120 second kiss before the end of the movie (don’t ask how I know that detail). Holiday plans to see family and friends are being made, and we are constantly bombarded with the notion that this is truly the most wonderful time of the year!
I’ve been reflecting on the impact of Christmas on myself and other adoptees and want to share a few thoughts that I hope will resonate with you. If you are parenting an adoptee, you might find it really helpful to understand what this time of year can highlight for us. The most important thing to notice either for yourself or your kids is that the underlying themes in an adoptee’s life are persistent regardless of the time of year. Themes of grief, loss, rejection, and expectation continue to play out even though the rest of life is slowing down for a respite from daily life. Something as seemingly non triggering as asking an adoptee, of any age, what they want for Christmas can be overwhelming for them. They might not be able to check in with themselves about what would feel good for them to receive or, when there is something that they would like, they it might require too much vulnerability to express their wishes.
What if they ask for the wrong thing? What if the thing they ask for is too expensive? Unavailable? Or not what the adoptive parents or family may have in mind? They might worry about how they will be perceived by others such as a partner, parent or friend?
They might worry about the feelings of rejection or shame that might come with asking too much from someone. The fear of not being good enough can be triggered during this time of year for both adults and children. An adoptee may wonder if they have been “good enough” to get a particular gift or any gift at all? Young children who are surrounded by talk of Santa might experience some anxiety related to their sense of goodness.
What does it mean for me to be “naughty”? Will I be punished?
What if I don’t make it onto Santa’s list? and what if the thing I said I wanted is something that I really don’t want but said I want it to make someone else happy?
The experience of guilt influences so many aspects of the adoptee’s lived experience and may also show up in unexpected ways during the holidays. Shame is an internalized sense of low self-worth. The early source of guilt centers around being separated from their first parents and whether they deserved in some way to be relinquished. It can lead to comparisons between family members and friends resulting in feelings of negativity and irritability. These feelings contribute to the belief that the adoptee is just not good enough which not only impacts the give and take of Christmas gift giving but also how they feel about themselves in the process.
Many adoptees don’t really do well with surprises, so this can lead to an unpleasant Christmas morning where everyone feels let down, disappointed, and/or frustrated. Adoptees may often appear to be ungrateful or upset about the gifts they receive which comes from an internal struggle but can also result in external conflict. A feeling of grief can often accompany big occasions and expectations for happiness. Grief can present in many ways including numbness, anxiety, depression, anger, hyperactivity, and physical aches and pains. Instead of feeling excited and thankful during festivities adoptees may feel agitated or restless and have a more difficult time managing their emotions. This can look like a lack of “thank you” and resistance to having “quality” family time. The whole notion of “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” sets an expectation of an experience they don’t have.
Persistent questions about their sense of belonging can be heightened during this season as well leading to hypervigilance around the behavior of others. They might feel compelled to scrutinize what family members do, looking for clues about being accepted and loved. They may perceive that others in the family have more presents, are more special, and that family members may favour others, besides themselves. While wanting trust and acceptance themselves, it is often difficult for the adoptee to offer that same experience to others in their close circle.
Some adoptees due to early trauma often experience sensory overload during family celebrations which make it even more difficult to self-regulate, be empathic, and practice kindness. Responses may seem heightened, sensitive or inflexible and this can escalate behavior to a place where everyone feels the “most wonderful time of year” doesn’t apply to them or their family.
So, instead of having a perfect Christmas, the holidays can feel like a time of chaos and disappointment. So, how do we find balance between perfection and chaos? Here are a few ideas of how to consider the adoptee experience as you move into the holiday season.
The goal is to create a holiday season that feels safe, connected and calm where adoptees feel that they can be authentic about their experience rather than needing to be and behave in ways that make everyone else feel good. When the adoptee believes that their loved ones are open to their experiences and want to protect them from discomfort it will be easier for them to stay connected.
As parents of children who have experienced early trauma we work hard to notice and be curious about their behavior. This is how we can put behavior into the context of our child’s story. When we understand the meaning and communication of behavior, we know how to respond in a way that is helpful and regulating. You are sending your child off to be with another set of adults all day and if you are anything like me you might be worried that they might not have the same perspective on behavior. We know that when we engage with curiosity, we are more able to consider the root of a behavior and be open to different ways of responding. So how do you ask a teacher to be curious and notice what’s happening for your child?
We have found that the Parent Teacher Communication Template is one way to support teachers in observing to understand behavior. You can use this tool to help your child’s teacher focus on a few responses that you know might be problematic at school. It was designed to be straightforward to fill out, so that it does not requiring a lot of additional time from your child’s teacher/EA. We have made this resource fillable so you can print it off for your child’s teacher or send it electronically.
This tool also eliminates the end of the day check ins with teachers which can often be challenging as you are catching them at a hectic time. Sometimes what you are given is more of a general report where the highs and lows of the day are averaged out. Although it may seem unnecessary to focus in on the details, it is very helpful to be given an update on specific behaviors. All behavior is communication and for children who have experienced trauma, it is often the seemingly small things that can cause their bodies to respond in extreme ways.
Noticing and tracking your child’s dysregulation at home and at school is a great way to proactively set them up for success. It is so important to unsure that your child’s distress is seen, so that they can feel supported. The Parent Teacher Communication Template is something you can focus on together when you meet with your child’s teacher early in the year. It allows you to observe progress over time and discover patterns of behavior.
Not only does this method provide you with information about how your child is managing throughout their day at school but it also encourages you and your child’s teacher to view the behavior through the same lens. When you are considering questions like: How many moments of their day are they in distress? How many moments are they regulated? It shifts the conversation from good behavior and bad behavior to regulated and dysregulated. This is a helpful perspective that will naturally pair together dysregulation and empathy. When we no longer see it as a “bad” behavior, we are able to empathize with the child’s fear or discomfort and offer strategies that meet that need.
Hello (classroom teacher, EA, principal, resource teacher, etc.),
My child has experienced food insecurity in his early years and as a result often feels anxious about being hungry or whether there will be enough food available for him during the day. Rest assured he is well fed at home and will always bring ample food in his lunch kit for the day. In spite of having enough, he may still feel anxious which will lead him to ask for food multiple times throughout the day. It’s important as his parent for me to monitor this behavior. It would be so helpful if you could note how often this happens and when, how distressed he appears and how it is resolved. I’ve attached a Parent Teacher Communication Template to make it easy for you to keep track. I think this method will help you and I work together to find ways to support him that aren’t shaming and help him feel safe at school. When he asks for food, the best response is to redirect him back to his lunch kit and allow him to choose between eating something now or waiting until the next break.
If you have any questions or concerns, please let me know. Thanks in advance for your support.
Sincerely,
Parent
As you begin navigating your way through this school year, we are thrilled to be offering our annual Back to School Workshop to help you learn more about your child’s needs, build skills to advocate, make connections with other parents and walk away with a plethora of resources! Whether you are supporting your child to enter school for the first time, or you have been doing this for several decades, this material is valuable. Just like our children need refreshers with the material they haven’t been focusing on all summer, you too can benefit from a time where you can really reflect on where your child is currently at and what they may need this year.
Life is Busy! It can be difficult to set aside time to really walk through all the important aspects of your child’s lived experiences and consider how you can work with the school to best support your child. This workshop is a wonderful opportunity to focus without distractions! When you register for the workshop, you will be given access to a long list of resources ahead of the workshop date which may be helpful for you to review as your child is entering school this Fall.
By Meagan VanDiermen
Over many years of supporting families raising children with trauma, I have noticed some common themes in my conversations with parents. I thought it might be helpful to summarize them in a way that inspires you to try something new today. Here are my 5 Tips for Staying Connected to Children with Trauma. You might find it helpful to print off the pdf version. Post it somewhere you can see it when you are doing your best to soothe and calm big feelings in little (or not so little) bodies.
1. Find the Need Under the Behavior A child’s behaviour, the only part of their experience that we can visibly see, doesn’t tell the whole story. Underneath each frustrating behaviour is a need that your child doesn't know how to communicate differently. Using curiosity, take a deep dive below the surface to discover what your child's behavior is telling you about their needs. Here are a few ideas to get your creative thinking engaged. ‘Is there something going on with my child’s body (tired, hungry, sick, hurt)?’ ‘Do they have a sensory need (can’t manage the texture of the food, the room is too noisy)?’ ‘Are they having an upsetting or negative thought (no one ever listens to me, mom will leave me just like my last mom did)?’ ‘Are they having a big, unexpected or uncomfortable feeling (sad, scared, anxious)?’
2. Set a Strong Foundation Through Co-Regulation It is easy to overestimate a child’s ability to regulate their own body and feelings. When our child is dysregulated, their emotional brain is engaged, and their logical brain is essentially offline. In these moments parents can lend their own nervous system to their child by offering a safe and calm presence.
This is called co-regulation. When we feel calm and centered, we can provide the calm regulation our child needs for themselves. Over time and with repetition, a child can increase their ability to provide this for themselves. Children benefit when we remain lovingly present and engaged through their difficult emotions.
3. Increase Safety Through Repetitive Experiences A child’s experience of safety begins in relationships with the significant adults in their lives when we repeatedly respond to their behavior, thoughts, and feelings in a way that feels safe. Hugs, reassuring looks, calm responses, a soothing voice, singing our child’s favourite song, playing games, staying close and helping them release energy are all ways that we help to regulate our child’s nervous system. These responses provide relief from stress both physically and emotionally. Helping your child feel safe in your presence builds trust and connection.
4. Know Your Own Triggers To offer our children co-regulation we as parents need to recognize when we are being triggered so we can first help ourselves be regulated. When a particular behavior activates us, we can take the opportunity to understand our own triggers. ‘What does this behaviour remind me of?’ ‘What do I believe about my child when they have this behaviour?’
Awareness of our own reactions reminds us to challenge our beliefs about behavior and soothe our own nervous system. This helps us stay present while our child is having a hard time.
5. Offer Opportunities to Practice Skills Children who have experienced trauma often display rigid thinking. This might look like oppositionality or refusal to follow directions and requests. Rigid thinking can be a lagging cognitive skill or strong desire to regain a feeling of control that has been lost due to traumatic experiences. Saying no without saying “no” is one approach to managing this challenge. “Going to the park sounds like a lot of fun. Today is your swimming lesson so we can go to the park tomorrow after school.” This helps them shift from one idea to another without eliciting a blowup. Another strategy is to offer two choices instead of a 'no' to allow the child experience some control. Offering choices that are clear and developmentally appropriate help children focus on achieving control without negative consequences.
Staying connected to children with trauma is hard work and some days can be incredibly challenging. Remember to breathe. Make things right when you don't respond the way you want to. Be kind to yourself. You are doing your best.
You can download a printable version of the 5 Tips for Staying Connected to Children with Trauma: 5 Tips from a Parent Coach or view it online.
If you need support please feel free to read my profile and reach out and make an an appointment through our contact us page. Sometimes you need someone who understands what it feels like and can offer support that really works for your family.
Love,
Cindy
Growing up it wasn’t uncommon for me to be the only one. At times I was the only Black student in my class, or in the entire school. Obviously this came with challenges all year long but particularly during Black History Month. When I reflect back on my experiences, I understand now that advocating for myself was so difficult because I didn’t have the language to do so at home, or in school. Describing my experience, and defining my needs was hard. Often I would shrink aspects of myself in an “attempt to fly under the radar”. This caused deep frustration, which was only reinforced when I tried to use my voice. I remember one year, I asked the Vice principal of my high school if we could celebrate Black History Month. I’ll never forget the answer: “Parker, there aren’t enough of you.”
Many of my experiences inform the work that I do now, as a community organiser, facilitator and youth mentor. Much of my work in school systems involve focus groups for teachers, and students, exercises that ask participants to imagine futures where their needs are met, and how we can shift curriculum in effective, intentional, and safe ways. That being said, it does not come without its challenges.
From my personal experience and in collaboration with a university student, Kerlinda (also a black adoptee) we have developed two lists that I hope will be helpful for parents and educators. The first is the “Please do not do this” list and the second is the ‘Please consider doing this instead’ list. Our hope is that this is an opportunity for both parents, school staff and anyone else supporting children and youth of colour to actively work towards making school a safer place to be.
“Please do not do this” LIST
I understand that there are complex issues that require other advocates in our community. It also requires courage and a commitment to unlearn some of what we know, prioritise self-care and self regulation during hard conversations. I have listened to and heard many ideas and solutions from students and colleagues over the years. The voices have helped Kerlinda and I develop the ‘Please consider doing this instead’ list.
‘Please consider doing this instead’ LIST
Remember that Black History Month is not about educating black students. We already know about black excellence. We don’t need your help. As a black student I can name hundreds of names of white excellence. I would like to know that my peers can say the same thing for black people who have made amazing contributions to history.
Coauthored by Parker Johnson and Kerlinda Chatwin
Learn more about Parker’s Johnson’s mentoring services.
Additional Resources for Educators and Parents
FIVE MORE DAYS (hannahjmatthews.com)
https://teachers-ab.libguides.com/blackhistory/Resources
https://www.canada.ca/en/canadian-heritage/campaigns/black-history-month/resources.html
Are you worried about your child or teen’s ability to engage with peers and have successful social experiences? Is it difficult to watch them struggle with anxiety, inattention, and emotional regulation?
Big feelings that come with grief and loss can feel overwhelming for parents to manage on a day-to-day basis. It feels like regular life expectations are harder for kids when their bodies rarely settle into feeling good.
You’ve probably tried all the regular strategies for helping your child to have better social skills, for staying regulated and managing the big feelings but nothing seems to get better. Nothing seems to stick and it’s frustrating.
Even therapy can be hard for kids when their bodies and brains aren’t cooperating with each other. They struggle to pay attention and any mention of early life experiences or just having a big feeling can cause big upsets that are hard to come down from.
Wouldn’t it be great if there was another option for children and youth that would address the impact trauma has had on their nervous system?
We have one of those options available for families in BC, Alberta, and Winnipeg.
Have you heard of The Safe and Sound Protocol by Dr. Stephen Porges?
The Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) is a listening program specifically designed for children and youth struggling with:
The Safe and Sound Protocol uses the power of music to help calm the nervous system. Through headphones the music sends messages that tell your child’s nervous system that they are well and safe. When they listen to this uniquely designed music, they begin to feel calm, relaxed and connected to others. The best part is that SSP doesn’t just work when you’re listening to the music, it helps to rebuild and strengthen your child or teen’s nervous system. Many therapists recommend that children who have severe dysregulation experience SSP before starting therapy so that their nervous system is ready to process the hard memories.
A Child’s Song offers an online guided experience for you and your child or youth so that you can experience the benefits of The Safe and Sound Protocol from the comfort of your own home.
If this sounds like something your child or youth would benefit from, we would be happy to walk you though the process.
‘Cindy has been a real gift to our family. Her support as we navigated the SSP program has proved to be transformational for our family. There is a sense of regulation and calm in our house that we have never experienced before. Cindy has been a guide for navigating through the process and solution seeking through the unexpected.’
Parent of 5-year-old adoptee
‘My daughter struggled with seer anxiety that restricted her from doing regular day to day things like ordering her own food at a restaurant, asking for help, or trying new things that she wasn’t sure she would be good at. After SSP she is so much more regulated. I watched her do math homework for the first time without getting really upset. What a relief.’
Parent of 12-year-old adoptee
As a Registered Psychologist with the A Child’s Song team and an adoptee myself, I was asked to provide some personal reflections regarding National Adoptive Awareness Month. So, here goes.
My first reflection is the title “Adoption Awareness Month”, as if I, and so many other adoptees are not aware of how adoption has impacted our lives. Throughout this blog, I have chosen to refer to this month as “Adoption Appreciation Month” and I want to reflect on some of the ways in which appreciation plays a role in adoption for me.
Early Experiences with Adoption
As a little girl, I was blissfully ignorant of my adoption, while at the same time, being aware that I was different than my parents, my siblings, and extended family members. I was about 5 years old when I was told that I was adopted. For me, that information was a significant source of shame for many years. My adoption was shrouded in secrets and my adoptive parents were given a lot of false information about my biological parents’ history. I kept these secrets close to me and did not talk about my adoption for many years. In fact, it was not until I was pregnant with my second child that I found out that I had been given a different name at birth. That information was astounding to me and took time to process.
My Journey
As I reflect on my own experience and have listened to the experience of many of my clients, I have come to understand that adoption is a life-long journey. The challenge is how to embrace this journey, coming to come to terms and embracing adoption is its own process. One of my dear friends, also an adoptee, helped me to feel safe enough to speak up about my adoption experience. I had to wrestle through a lot of shame to do that.
Through my early discussions with her and now having the privilege of working with adult adoptees, I have a new appreciation for the way I experience the world, which is similar to the stories of other adoptees. I think there is the appreciation that I don’t really fit in anywhere completely. I can notice that I am almost always a little off-kilter, often on the outside looking in, belonging but not really belonging.
I also have an appreciation for dysfunction-with the emphasis of keeping FUN in the dysfunction. My life now includes a myriad of relatives…which is overwhelming and entertaining. One day I realized that I couldn’t make any of this craziness up! I have acquired an appreciation for the turmoil, chaos, and pain that coming to terms with the lived experience of adoption. There is so much hurt at times, periods of loneliness and feeling abandoned, and not really ever being quite sure of anything.
The Joy and the Pain
From my work in the field of trauma, I have come to appreciate that I do carry the trauma of adoption with me. It makes me often feel tentative, shy, and withdrawn but also can give me moments where I can speak up with authority and be perceived as being an “expert”. At the same time, I have appreciated the joy of adoption. I was often told as a little girl that my father chose me and was insistent that I was the one he wanted to bring home. That thought gives me joy.
My experiences as an adoptee have contributed to my cognitive flexibility and willingness to think outside the box. That is another appreciation I have for adoption. Many adoptees, like myself, are often more willing to be flexible in order to fit in and be included. I have had to learn to adapt to situations which are often beyond my control, and I appreciate that about my life experiences.
And finally, I appreciate my own resiliency and the resiliency of adoptees who are willing to speak up, talk about their experiences, share their stories of hope and despair, and contribute to development of new ways to think about adoption and permanency. So, for now, I chose to appreciate adoption and to continue to engage in learning more about how adoption continues to impact my life and the lives of so many others.
Dr. Joanne Crandall, Registered Psychologist and Educator
Whew! Here we are, in the middle of a global pandemic, and the future remains unknown. COVID19 has permeated every part of our lives and has changed how we do family. Routines are so much different, social distancing is a part of everyday living, and playgrounds are off limits. Parenting has become even more complicated. You are now juggling your own work schedule with your children’s school schedule (and trying to figure out space at home} while still managing household chores, lining up for groceries, and strategizing to make sure that there is enough toilet paper! Not only that, you are now required to be a computer wizard; join numerous Zoom calls a day, make on-line play dates, and navigate school curriculum.
What is COVID Brain?
The impact of these unique experiences on the brain can be affectionately (or less so) referred to as COVID Brain. COVID Brain refers to how our brains are currently working during this time of unprecedented changes and new routines that are continually evolving. Your brain has been required to constantly adjust to new ways of being. COVID Brain is evident when these changes get too overwhelming and we just can’t shift or adjust any more. Your brain does not like frequent surprises; and there have been so many changes over the past few months. This is even more complicated when you are parenting children who are still making sense of how to belong in their forever home. Let’s break down how this COVID Brain works and how adoptive and foster parents can parent therapeutically through it.
COVID Brain can surface anytime and anywhere without warning. It can make some days seem stressful and feel unproductive. COVID Brain can be disruptive to your usual way of functioning and can leave you feeling confused, isolated, and numb. The worst part is that COVID Brain is quite unpredictable. You might think you are doing okay; successfully addressed today’s Lysol crisis, ensured everyone has washed their hands today, you successfully logged into 10 Zoom calls. Then suddenly out of nowhere COVID Brain strikes and you just cannot do ONE. MORE. THING.
How does COVID Brain affect attachment?
COVID Brain can also impact secure attachment and the trust-based relationship you have with your child. Children are looking to parents for assurance of safety and confirmation that they too can weather these changes. While you are trying to provide this security there is the competing pressure to be in your new role of ‘teacher.’ This can present challenges to parenting relationship that is so vital to maintain. COVID Brain makes learning harder and you might be observing that your child’s ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ response is triggered when faced with academic challenges.
What should take priority?
When you are sorting through the responsibilities that you are currently facing, it is important to be a parent first. Your connection and relationship with your child is essential to their healthy development. Your child looks to you for safety and reassurance. If your child is demonstrating signs of regression, distress and dysregulation, the amount and quality of schoolwork can wait. COVID Brain does not do well when it is asked to do corrections, write a book report, or complete a Science project. There is a good chance your child will start acting much younger that they are. They may not remember what you taught them day before or be capable of doing the same amount of work today as they could yesterday. It will be important for you to recognize when COVID Brain is present and change things up so that your relationship with your child stays as secure as possible. COVID Brain needs to feel calm and safe. It is so much easier to help children catch up on academic skills when they feel feeling happy, healthy and secure. Rebuilding relationship is tremendously hard work so prioritizing parent child attachment just makes sense!
How can you respond to COVID Brain?
Be conscious of COVID Brain and its impact on you and your family. Mindfully reduce the expectations you have of yourself and your child. When COVID Brain takes over, your child will be aware and it can be unsettling for them. This is particularly true for children who still live in a hypervigilant state and work hard to stay regulated and feeling secure. Once you recognize the signs that you or your child’s COVID Brain is active you can: take a break, play a game, have a snack, do some cuddling, and find some repetitive or rhythmic activities and focus on soothing. At the end of this crazy journey what will be left solid is the safety and security your child feels in your presence.
Stay tuned for ‘More on COVID Brain and How Your Child Learns During the Pandemic’
Mother’s Day is about celebrating mothers and all that they do for their families. Traditionally, kids are busy at school the week before, making crafts and cards. On Mother’s Day kids and parents plan for something special like breakfast in bed or keeping quiet so mom can sleep in! As you approach this weekend and prepare to celebrate, I wanted to reach out and offer a few words of encouragement for those who are dealing with the wide range of emotional experiences that this holiday can bring.
I have spoken with many adoptive parents who have said Mother’s Day can be one of the hardest days of the year for their family. It may not look or feel the same for you as it does for others. There is an aspect of Mother’s Day for adoptive families that can be difficult to understand and talk about – grief and loss. Expectations of family togetherness can lead to disappointment and discouragement when the feelings of hurt, sadness that come from loss are pushed to the surface. It can be a struggle for children to understanding these feelings and find the right words for them.
So, what does grief look like in children?
A child’s response to grief may be easily misunderstood when it presents as behavioural reactions or responses instead of fear and sadness. Do you see some of these behaviors leading up to special occasions or on day itself? (Keep in mind that behaviours will vary according to the child’s developmental age).
These behaviours can appear without an obvious trigger which is why it can be so difficult to recognize them as grief. When we see the fear and sadness that these behaviours are communicating we can draw our child close, comfort and help them find words for the most indescribable of losses. This kind of response requires thoughtful consideration and planning to meet your child’s needs. Here are a few practical ideas that may be helpful this Mother’s Day.
5 Practical Ideas for Adoptive Families
Sometimes the big moments that seem so hard and sad offer a window into your child’s experience and a reminder of the weight of grief they may be carrying. You may not see it often throughout the year, but it is there and needs to be explored with you. These are the moments that build secure attachment and lay a strong foundation for your child to continue to build strong healthy relationships across their lifespan.
If you are struggling to understand or respond to your child’s behaviours and emotions and need support, our clinical team is available for parent consultations and counselling. With the current COVID19 restrictions we are providing all services via Teletherapy.
Thinking of you,
The world around us seems to be changing daily as we navigate these incredibly unusual circumstances. So much uncertainty can leave us feeling as though the ground beneath us is shifting and what we did yesterday to maintain a sense of order and stability isn’t going to work today. There are still a few things that we can count on to stay the same though. Our kids will be waiting each morning for us be with them, meet their needs, teach them life skills and help them feel safe. While your flexibility, creativity and patience may be put to the test daily, you may also experience a different rhythm of connection that comes only from sharing the same space day after day. Here are a few reminders to help you stay grounded and continue on your journey of connected parenting.
1. Be mindful of how often you are talking about what’s going outside of your safe space and the language you are using to describe it. Children are listening to what you think and feel and will be taking their cues from you. We know that kids hear everything (except when you ask them to do chores ;). They may not be processing it at the moment they hear it, but they will soon enough. As luck would have it, this is usually bedtime or any other time when children must slow down their bodies and minds.
2. Keep a routine in place so that some of your child’s daily life can remain predictable. Have a visual schedule for your children do they know what to expect from the day. If things must change refer to the situation as a ‘wildcard’ and return to the schedule as soon as you can. Wildcards are unexpected changes that can be both preferred and not preferred. They teach children flexibility as well as assuring them that most of the time they will know what to expect.
3. Remind yourself that children who have experienced trauma may respond differently to fear based situations. A child’s brain struggles to differentiate between the fears of the past and the fears of the present. This may present as an increase in anxious behaviors and symptoms that seem unrelated to the current situation. Talk with your child about how the ‘scary that’s happening now’ can remind their body of the ‘scary that happened before.’ Work with your child to create a sense of safety in whatever way they need that to happen. Safety is something you need to help your child experience. You won’t be able to convince them to feel safe with words alone.
4. Take this opportunity to slow down and spend as much time as possible playing on the floor with your child. Play will be your child’s way of processing what is happening and what it’s like for them. Slow down your breathing and increase your focus so that you can practice being mindful of the interactions you are having. Being on the floor also has the added benefit of feeling grounded which we all need a little more of right now. If you have multiple children schedule 1-1 time with each child while others are set up with independent activities. This may feel impossible to begin with but keep practicing.
5. Keep your child connected with the important people in their lives. Think of all the people you see regularly under normal circumstances and help your child feel close to them despite the physical distance. There are many creative ways to make this happen: Facetime, phone calls, making videos, sending emails, drawing pictures or writing letters that can be sent virtually or in the mail, take photos of your children with the purpose of sending to people they love and ask for photos in return. If none of these are possible, ask your child to just talk and pretend the person they love is listening with their heart.
We are available to support your family during this crisis by offering many of our therapeutic interventions via Teletherapy including: parent child play, life span integration, individual therapy and parent consultations. Stay tuned for our upcoming online webinar on managing your child’s anxiety during this difficult time!
Be well. Stay Safe.
Andrea
The holiday’s are full of wonderful opportunities to connect and celebrate with your family. They can also be complicated and stressful for those who are parenting children who have experienced loss. You may find yourself needing to respond with sensitivity to some big feelings at this time of year. Exploring Tips for Enjoying the Holidays with your Family was the goal of today’s Facebook Live Event hosted by Adoptive Families Association of BC. Together Rebecca and I discussed what makes the holidays tough for some kids, offered some tips for making the most of this season and suggested a few ways parents can take care of themselves. I’ve summarized the highlights from today’s conversation for anyone who was unable to join us or would like a reminder they can carry with them over the next few weeks.
Why are the holidays a difficult time for a child who has spent time in care?
Three top tips for helping your family enjoy the holiday’s?
What are some self care options for parents during the holiday’s?
A Child’s Song offers support services for children and families who have been joined together through foster care or adoption. If your family is needing some extra support through the holiday’s you can schedule a session with one of our clinical therapists or social workers. We offer services in office, by phone and Skype. If you have any questions about the services we offer please feel free to contact us.
Happy Holidays!
♥ Andrea
For those of us parenting children with a history of trauma and loss, back to school can be a stressful time of year. We worry about how our child will cope with the changes and challenges this time of year represents and try our best to communicate effectively with teachers about what they need to be successful. If you are feeling a bit unsure as to how you might approach your child’s teacher about your concerns here are some things to consider.
Children’s bodies react in many different ways when the demands they encounter overwhelm their coping resources. There is no specific amount of coping capacity that a child SHOULD have, this is individual to the child and dependent on personality, history and current supports. It can also fluctuate dramatically from day to day or month to month.
Very young children thrive in moderately stimulating, low stress environments that allow for close proximity to a primary attachment figure. Children who have lived through the trauma of loss and fear will need to experience this type of environment longer than their typically developing peers and yet don’t get this opportunity because they need to be in school. For our kids, the classroom is often an overstimulating environment with multiple stressors in which children are expected to cope independently from their primary source of soothing (parent).
Feeling safe both physically and psychologically and experiencing success are fundamental to a child’s ability to tolerate the expectations and demands of school. It’s our job as adoptive and foster parents to carefully monitor how safe and how successful our child is feeling much like we would with younger children. Too much shame reinforces negative beliefs about self and others while no experiences of shame at all deprives a child of important awareness of how his or her behavior impacts those around them. When a child’s capacity to tolerate incoming messages of shame or disapproval is overwhelmed it will quickly become evident in their behavior, relational responses and ability to absorb new information and new experiences. It will also start to impact important areas of functioning and development.
The first step to managing your child’s stress is to have a clear understanding of their baseline functioning. What does it look like when they are most regulated? How do they sleep, eat, engage in family relationships, demonstrate secure attachment responses to a primary caregiver(s), experience joy and appear receptive to new experiences and ideas. Summertime offers children a much needed break from the demands of school and activities that create a fast paced existence with limited opportunity for self direction and spontaneous experiences. Most children return to baseline functioning at some point in the summer which offers parents an idea of what it looks like when their child is better regulated.
It is our job as parents to ensure that our children do not shift to far from baseline as they begin to encounter the expectations and demands of school. When we do see this happening we need to carefully calculate the psychological risks and find ways to effectively reduce their stress and match expectations with their current capabilities.
Here are a few important discussion points to have with your child’s teacher at the beginning of the year to ensure that they understand the importance of monitoring your child’s stress.
1. As his parent(s) I am committed to my child’s emotional and psychological well being and consider this to be more of a priority than his education. This means that I’m comfortable with him not achieving everything recommended for his grade level if doing so interferes with his mental health. We are open to supplementing his learning at home when necessary.
2. This is what my child’s baseline looks like when he is mostly regulated and this is what you can expect to see if he shifts too far away from it. Be specific in naming the signs of regulation and dysregulation you have observed in your child. For example: ‘When my child is regulated he will offer some eye contact when you speak to him, particularly if you gently remind him. Once he is escalated you can no longer engage him in any eye contact. ‘
3. You may not see the same behaviors or responses to stress during the day that we see when our daughter comes home. She might try really hard to manage expectations at school to avoid embarrassment. By the time she arrives home she will have has used up all her coping resources and be highly dysregulated. This is common for children with a history of trauma and loss. Please trust our judgement if we decide to pull back and reduce daytime expectations so that our child can save some of her resources for the evening time.
4. One of the things that will consistently shift my child’s baseline functioning is if she experiences shame too frequently or too intensely. We would like to minimize the amount of negative feedback she gets at school when she is unable to regulate herself. If her behavior requires more than gentle redirection or reminders we would like to know about this right away. We will make ourselves available to support you in getting her back on track.
5. Our child’s functioning is likely to fluctuate throughout the year. You might notice this in the way he learns, what he remembers, his attention span, ability to follow directions, etc. This can be frustrating but is a normal part of the healing process for children who have had early fear based experiences. There will be times of the year when his body remembers feeling very sad or scared and he will be working hard to manage these feelings. Other times it will just seem like he is have a day or a week where he is not able to function at the same level as he usually can. Please understand that this is not willful non compliance or laziness.
A Child’s Song is committed to providing parents and educators with the tools they need to help children experience success in the classroom. Here are a few of our current resources:
1. Teaching the Hurt Child Manual is based on the content of a workshop that A Child’s Song has been presenting across the province for many years. The concepts in this manual came from the experiences of our therapists who participate in school based meetings for children struggling to be successful. The turning point for any school in meeting the needs of a child with early trauma is the understanding of important concepts relatedtobrain development, trauma, loss and attachment.
We know that a child’s early experiences not only impact the way the brain is formed but also shape beliefs about self and others, essentially forming the child’s worldview. With the foundational information offered in this manual, it is easy to see why the current way of responding and managing these behaviors isn’t working and that new interventions are essential. Manuals are available for purchase on our Home page.
2. Attachment Printable for Teachers
This resource is a printable designed for your child’s teacher to understand the basics of how attachment can be supported by their responses to a child’s needs. You can find a copy of this printable attached to a previous blog post 5 Things Your Child’s Teacher Needs to Know about Attachment.
3. Teaching the Hurt Child Workshop will be offered in Surrey, BC on September 29 from 9:30 am- 12:30 pm. More information about this workshop and how to register can be found at Fall 2018 Workshops.This workshop can also be requested for school professional development days.
4. Parent Consultations are offered to parents that wish to discuss the concerns they have about their child’s adjustment and functioning at school. Our therapists are trained to understand how early trauma and attachment losses impact a child’s ability to function behavioral and academically at school. We support parents and school professionals in designing a school based intervention plan for children who have been adopted or are in foster care. You can email us to set up an appointment.
5. Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) is a 5 day listening intervention designed by Dr. Porges and offered at the A Child’s Song clinic to support improved attention and regulation. Learn more about this specialized intervention on the HOME page.
For any other information about our services please feel free to contact us by email or by phone (604) 562-8308.
Black History Month is a wonderful opportunity to reflect on our role as adoptive parents in educating our black children and the community around them about black history. I asked our clinical therapist Annie Newman to think about her childhood experiences with learning black history. Annie had commented during our Parent Resource Event in celebration of Black History that this type of opportunity had not been available to her parents when she was young. Annie was was born in Haiti and adopted into a white family as a toddler. I asked her if she would mind offering a few thoughts on her experiences with learning about black history growing up in a white family. She graciously agreed and this is what she had to say.
‘When I think about black history, I have to say that it was not emphasized in my education; however, I do remember in elementary school being quite interested in people like Harriet Tubman. When we were asked to write little essays on some historical person, I would often gravitate to her. I would research and investigate at home with my parents, this woman whom I thought was strong and amazing. I am truly grateful that my parents showed so much interest in fostering my intrigue with Harriet Tubman, but that’s as far as it would go. Opportunities like this did not occur specifically in my educational experience, unless it was something that I brought up at school. I cannot remember ever learning about Black History in school, and if I’m being completely honest, to this day, I don’t know as much as I wish I did. This isn’t to say that self-discovery and learning about this topic is a bad thing, but I am saying that supporting intrigue and interest within the school system would have been much appreciated, not just for myself as a Haitian Canadian, but also for other students.
I’m grateful for Annie’s presence at our office and the wisdom she brings from her personal experiences. As the month of celebrating Black History comes to a close keep in mind that as parents we have the incredible opportunity to foster and support our children’s interest in Great Black Hero’s of both the past and the present. We also have the resources to provide our children with accurate information about black history and the tools to support them in forming a healthy identity. These opportunities to invest in such an important aspect of your child’s development should not be restricted to one month of the year but part of an ongoing lifestyle of learning through exploration.
If you require more information about how to support your child’s learning about Black History or have questions or concerns about parenting a black child in a white family please feel free to contact us www.achildssong.ca.
Securely attached children are more confident and efficient learners because their minds are free from the primary task of attaching and able to focus on absorbing new concepts. Securely attached children are also better able to stay regulated in spite of the daily challenges they will encounter in a learning environment. Teachers can contribute to attachment security in several ways.
1. Attachment is measured in terms of how secure the trust relationship is between a parent and a child. Secure attachment is the goal for all parent-child relationships. When a child is adopted, particularly in later stages of development, attachment security can take many years to establish. When children are separating from their parent to attend school, every effort must be made to prioritize attachment security over all other aspects of development.
Practical Applications:
2. A child who has experienced attachment disruption, meaning they have lost one or more attachment figures, often find it easier to take direction, feel positively towards and enjoy the company of adults other than their parents. While this might feel good for the adults who are being engaged by the child it is important to know that forming close relationships with these children is NOT helpful in promoting secure attachment with their parents.
Practical Applications:
3. Attachment between a parent and child can be reinforced even when a separation occurs, such as attending school. Teachers can verbally remind students of their parent’s interest, care and availability when the child is in distress.
Practical Applications
4. Attachment security will shift and change depending on the time of year, current life events and developmental growth spurts. This may result in behavioural differences and different levels of dependence a child might have on their parent. It is important to be responsive and flexible to these fluctuations without pathologizing them or assuming manipulative intent.
Practical Applications:
5. Children who are building attachment security benefit when all the growups around them to prioritize this by ensuring they have access to parental soothing whenever possible. Sending children for a ‘break’ with mom or dad or sending them home for the day should not be seen as a consequence but rather the identification of a significant mental health need.
Practical Applications:
To access our printable version of the 5 Things Your Teacher Needs to Know About Attachment visit our home page at www.achildssong.ca
A Child’s Song is passionate about providing mentorship opportunities to adoptees. This passion evolved through our countless discussions with teenage, young adult and adult adoptees who describe with intensity their longing to be around others who ‘get it.’ They shared with us their stories of the profound emotional connection they discovered the first time they really talked with another adoptee and how rare these experiences were for them. This makes a lot of sense.
A child’s social world is limited by geography, socioeconomic status and immediate (or in some cases larger extended) families. In a perfect world, these contexts would naturally offer our children opportunities to be with others that share similar experiences; however, the reality is that for many adoptees, these contexts do not. So when that first experience of connection with someone “like me” happens for an adoptee, it is memorable! Both research and our experiences in working with adoptees have informed us that these kinds of experiences promote healthy identity development and positive mental health for adoptees. We wanted to facilitate more opportunities for these kinds of connections with both peer and older adoptees who “get it.”
One of the programs we have designed for adoptees is our Girls Mentorship Group which is specifically created for female adoptees ages 9 to 12. This unique opportunity allows young female adoptees to explore their own adoption story as well as hear adoption stories from both peers and mentors. There is a therapeutic component to the group that provides a safe environment for participants who might decide to delve into tricky emotional terrain. Girls will receive insightful feedback from an adoption-trained therapist throughout the sessions.
Initial screening of registrants ensures that participants have a reasonably secure attachment with their parents, are able to manage the emotional content with group support and have expressed an interest in their adoption story. Mentors are chosen for each group cohort to reflect the diversity of current registrants on relevant factors such as international versus local adoption, infant versus older child adoption and degree of openness with the birth family. We have had the pleasure of working with some amazing young women who bring incredible diversity and personal insight to the process. Parents of participants are provided with information about the different ways children may respond to the group process and how to be supportive. Parents are also given the option of connecting with the therapist between group sessions if they are concerned about their child.
The structure of the first session of the group experience allows the girls to get to know each other and also allows the therapist to establish safety and connection between participants. Each subsequent week, the girls meet a new mentor who engages them in a fun activity that is interesting and meaningful to the mentor. We have had some amazingly creative mentors introducing the girls to creative story-telling, yoga, fitness, music making and other creative arts. We use two spaces for the group experience: an activity space that allows for movement, creativity and opportunity to do things that might get a little messy and a comfy area with couches and chairs for discussion.
After the initial introductions and activity time with the mentor, the therapist transitions the girls into listening to the mentor’s story. The girls are invited to ask the mentor questions about her experiences. Participants then have an opportunity to talk about how the mentor’s story relates to their own. For example, during one session, participants asked a mentor, “What was the hardest part of being adopted for you?” When the mentor discussed what was hard for her, there was an opportunity for the girls to find validation and identification in the common struggles. It inspired a deeper level of sharing about what was “hard.”
During the sessions, there are opportunities to find both similarities and differences in the stories shared. Adoptees came to realize they are not alone in their complex emotional experiences. The therapist noticed after several sessions that participants incorporated the empathy they had been provided while sharing their own story or concerns into the questions and comments they offered to mentors and peers. This lead to a deeper level of connection between the girls.
The feedback we have received from mentors, participants and parents has been both encouraging and heart-warming. We were most honoured by the responses from our mentors. These young women gave of their time and allowed themselves to be vulnerable with a group of children they had never met before and then thanked us for giving them the opportunity.
Parents reported that their children appeared more confident in discussing their adoption story.
“As a parent, my daughter loved this group! It was so great for her to feel “safe” in sharing her story, and it brought so many questions to her mind about her own story. She finally felt she had the ability to ask these questions”(comment from the parent of participant).
“My daughter never felt open to share with us the questions nagging at her heart about her adoption story. This group helped her see and understand that it was safe to ask questions. She no longer felt alone in being adopted” (comment from the parent of a participant).
Girls reported to the group therapist directly that “it felt good to be with other kids like me.” They also reported that our snacks were on point. We consider that a big win! When parents were asked in a survey how their daughters felt about their group experience, we received the following feedback:
“She liked meeting girls that were ‘just like her.”
“She loved everything about it: the discussions, the crafts, and sharing stories!”
“She said the people were so welcoming and friendly.”
“She asked ‘Can I go next time too, Mom?“
There are many different ways to encourage mentorship, and not all mentorship programs require a therapeutic component. Each program can be specifically designed to meet the needs of a small group of children or youth. Last year, A Child’s Song offered a Boys Mentorship group that operated from a completely different model. This program focused on a few key mentors who attended each group session, and over six weeks provided skills training in several different sporting activities followed by a less formal discussion component. There are also thriving community groups such as Akoma that incorporate a valuable mentorship component for children in transracial families.
Adoptees are telling us that mentorship and connection with others who have had similar experiences are healing. It’s important that we come together as an adoption community and meet these needs in whatever ways we can. If you have adoption mentorship ideas or requests, we would love to hear from YOU.
