When does the Christmas season begin?
Is it in August when Costco starts to put out their holiday merchandise?
Is it right after the Halloween decorations have been stored away or Black Friday sales have ended?
Maybe it’s the craft fairs, markets and other festivities that mark the season?
Certainly, by this time the sights and sounds of Christmas are in full swing. Hallmark movies are readily available, always ending in a 90-120 second kiss before the end of the movie (don’t ask how I know that detail). Holiday plans to see family and friends are being made, and we are constantly bombarded with the notion that this is truly the most wonderful time of the year!
I’ve been reflecting on the impact of Christmas on myself and other adoptees and want to share a few thoughts that I hope will resonate with you. If you are parenting an adoptee, you might find it really helpful to understand what this time of year can highlight for us. The most important thing to notice either for yourself or your kids is that the underlying themes in an adoptee’s life are persistent regardless of the time of year. Themes of grief, loss, rejection, and expectation continue to play out even though the rest of life is slowing down for a respite from daily life. Something as seemingly non triggering as asking an adoptee, of any age, what they want for Christmas can be overwhelming for them. They might not be able to check in with themselves about what would feel good for them to receive or, when there is something that they would like, they it might require too much vulnerability to express their wishes.
What if they ask for the wrong thing? What if the thing they ask for is too expensive? Unavailable? Or not what the adoptive parents or family may have in mind? They might worry about how they will be perceived by others such as a partner, parent or friend?
They might worry about the feelings of rejection or shame that might come with asking too much from someone. The fear of not being good enough can be triggered during this time of year for both adults and children. An adoptee may wonder if they have been “good enough” to get a particular gift or any gift at all? Young children who are surrounded by talk of Santa might experience some anxiety related to their sense of goodness.
What does it mean for me to be “naughty”? Will I be punished?
What if I don’t make it onto Santa’s list? and what if the thing I said I wanted is something that I really don’t want but said I want it to make someone else happy?
The experience of guilt influences so many aspects of the adoptee’s lived experience and may also show up in unexpected ways during the holidays. Shame is an internalized sense of low self-worth. The early source of guilt centers around being separated from their first parents and whether they deserved in some way to be relinquished. It can lead to comparisons between family members and friends resulting in feelings of negativity and irritability. These feelings contribute to the belief that the adoptee is just not good enough which not only impacts the give and take of Christmas gift giving but also how they feel about themselves in the process.
Many adoptees don’t really do well with surprises, so this can lead to an unpleasant Christmas morning where everyone feels let down, disappointed, and/or frustrated. Adoptees may often appear to be ungrateful or upset about the gifts they receive which comes from an internal struggle but can also result in external conflict. A feeling of grief can often accompany big occasions and expectations for happiness. Grief can present in many ways including numbness, anxiety, depression, anger, hyperactivity, and physical aches and pains. Instead of feeling excited and thankful during festivities adoptees may feel agitated or restless and have a more difficult time managing their emotions. This can look like a lack of “thank you” and resistance to having “quality” family time. The whole notion of “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” sets an expectation of an experience they don’t have.
Persistent questions about their sense of belonging can be heightened during this season as well leading to hypervigilance around the behavior of others. They might feel compelled to scrutinize what family members do, looking for clues about being accepted and loved. They may perceive that others in the family have more presents, are more special, and that family members may favour others, besides themselves. While wanting trust and acceptance themselves, it is often difficult for the adoptee to offer that same experience to others in their close circle.
Some adoptees due to early trauma often experience sensory overload during family celebrations which make it even more difficult to self-regulate, be empathic, and practice kindness. Responses may seem heightened, sensitive or inflexible and this can escalate behavior to a place where everyone feels the “most wonderful time of year” doesn’t apply to them or their family.
So, instead of having a perfect Christmas, the holidays can feel like a time of chaos and disappointment. So, how do we find balance between perfection and chaos? Here are a few ideas of how to consider the adoptee experience as you move into the holiday season.
The goal is to create a holiday season that feels safe, connected and calm where adoptees feel that they can be authentic about their experience rather than needing to be and behave in ways that make everyone else feel good. When the adoptee believes that their loved ones are open to their experiences and want to protect them from discomfort it will be easier for them to stay connected.
As parents of children who have experienced early trauma we work hard to notice and be curious about their behavior. This is how we can put behavior into the context of our child’s story. When we understand the meaning and communication of behavior, we know how to respond in a way that is helpful and regulating. You are sending your child off to be with another set of adults all day and if you are anything like me you might be worried that they might not have the same perspective on behavior. We know that when we engage with curiosity, we are more able to consider the root of a behavior and be open to different ways of responding. So how do you ask a teacher to be curious and notice what’s happening for your child?
We have found that the Parent Teacher Communication Template is one way to support teachers in observing to understand behavior. You can use this tool to help your child’s teacher focus on a few responses that you know might be problematic at school. It was designed to be straightforward to fill out, so that it does not requiring a lot of additional time from your child’s teacher/EA. We have made this resource fillable so you can print it off for your child’s teacher or send it electronically.
This tool also eliminates the end of the day check ins with teachers which can often be challenging as you are catching them at a hectic time. Sometimes what you are given is more of a general report where the highs and lows of the day are averaged out. Although it may seem unnecessary to focus in on the details, it is very helpful to be given an update on specific behaviors. All behavior is communication and for children who have experienced trauma, it is often the seemingly small things that can cause their bodies to respond in extreme ways.
Noticing and tracking your child’s dysregulation at home and at school is a great way to proactively set them up for success. It is so important to unsure that your child’s distress is seen, so that they can feel supported. The Parent Teacher Communication Template is something you can focus on together when you meet with your child’s teacher early in the year. It allows you to observe progress over time and discover patterns of behavior.
Not only does this method provide you with information about how your child is managing throughout their day at school but it also encourages you and your child’s teacher to view the behavior through the same lens. When you are considering questions like: How many moments of their day are they in distress? How many moments are they regulated? It shifts the conversation from good behavior and bad behavior to regulated and dysregulated. This is a helpful perspective that will naturally pair together dysregulation and empathy. When we no longer see it as a “bad” behavior, we are able to empathize with the child’s fear or discomfort and offer strategies that meet that need.
Hello (classroom teacher, EA, principal, resource teacher, etc.),
My child has experienced food insecurity in his early years and as a result often feels anxious about being hungry or whether there will be enough food available for him during the day. Rest assured he is well fed at home and will always bring ample food in his lunch kit for the day. In spite of having enough, he may still feel anxious which will lead him to ask for food multiple times throughout the day. It’s important as his parent for me to monitor this behavior. It would be so helpful if you could note how often this happens and when, how distressed he appears and how it is resolved. I’ve attached a Parent Teacher Communication Template to make it easy for you to keep track. I think this method will help you and I work together to find ways to support him that aren’t shaming and help him feel safe at school. When he asks for food, the best response is to redirect him back to his lunch kit and allow him to choose between eating something now or waiting until the next break.
If you have any questions or concerns, please let me know. Thanks in advance for your support.
Sincerely,
Parent
As you begin navigating your way through this school year, we are thrilled to be offering our annual Back to School Workshop to help you learn more about your child’s needs, build skills to advocate, make connections with other parents and walk away with a plethora of resources! Whether you are supporting your child to enter school for the first time, or you have been doing this for several decades, this material is valuable. Just like our children need refreshers with the material they haven’t been focusing on all summer, you too can benefit from a time where you can really reflect on where your child is currently at and what they may need this year.
Life is Busy! It can be difficult to set aside time to really walk through all the important aspects of your child’s lived experiences and consider how you can work with the school to best support your child. This workshop is a wonderful opportunity to focus without distractions! When you register for the workshop, you will be given access to a long list of resources ahead of the workshop date which may be helpful for you to review as your child is entering school this Fall.
By Meagan VanDiermen
