When does the Christmas season begin?

Is it in August when Costco starts to put out their holiday merchandise?

Is it right after the Halloween decorations have been stored away or Black Friday sales have ended?

Maybe it’s the craft fairs, markets and other festivities that mark the season?

Certainly, by this time the sights and sounds of Christmas are in full swing. Hallmark movies are readily available, always ending in a 90-120 second kiss before the end of the movie (don’t ask how I know that detail). Holiday plans to see family and friends are being made, and we are constantly bombarded with the notion that this is truly the most wonderful time of the year!

I’ve been reflecting on the impact of Christmas on myself and other adoptees and want to share a few thoughts that I hope will resonate with you. If you are parenting an adoptee, you might find it really helpful to understand what this time of year can highlight for us. The most important thing to notice either for yourself or your kids is that the underlying themes in an adoptee’s life are persistent regardless of the time of year. Themes of grief, loss, rejection, and expectation continue to play out even though the rest of life is slowing down for a respite from daily life. Something as seemingly non triggering as asking an adoptee, of any age, what they want for Christmas can be overwhelming for them. They might not be able to check in with themselves about what would feel good for them to receive or, when there is something that they would like, they it might require too much vulnerability to express their wishes.

What if they ask for the wrong thing? What if the thing they ask for is too expensive? Unavailable? Or not what the adoptive parents or family may have in mind? They might worry about how they will be perceived by others such as a partner, parent or friend?

They might worry about the feelings of rejection or shame that might come with asking too much from someone. The fear of not being good enough can be triggered during this time of year for both adults and children. An adoptee may wonder if they have been “good enough” to get a particular gift or any gift at all? Young children who are surrounded by talk of Santa might experience some anxiety related to their sense of goodness.

What does it mean for me to be “naughty”? Will I be punished?

What if I don’t make it onto Santa’s list? and what if the thing I said I wanted is something that I really don’t want but said I want it to make someone else happy?

The experience of guilt influences so many aspects of the adoptee’s lived experience and may also show up in unexpected ways during the holidays. Shame is an internalized sense of low self-worth. The early source of guilt centers around being separated from their first parents and whether they deserved in some way to be relinquished. It can lead to comparisons between family members and friends resulting in feelings of negativity and irritability. These feelings contribute to the belief that the adoptee is just not good enough which not only impacts the give and take of Christmas gift giving but also how they feel about themselves in the process.

Many adoptees don’t really do well with surprises, so this can lead to an unpleasant Christmas morning where everyone feels let down, disappointed, and/or frustrated. Adoptees may often appear to be ungrateful or upset about the gifts they receive which comes from an internal struggle but can also result in external conflict. A feeling of grief can often accompany big occasions and expectations for happiness. Grief can present in many ways including numbness, anxiety, depression, anger, hyperactivity, and physical aches and pains. Instead of feeling excited and thankful during festivities adoptees may feel agitated or restless and have a more difficult time managing their emotions. This can look like a lack of “thank you” and resistance to having “quality” family time. The whole notion of “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” sets an expectation of an experience they don’t have.

Persistent questions about their sense of belonging can be heightened during this season as well leading to hypervigilance around the behavior of others. They might feel compelled to scrutinize what family members do, looking for clues about being accepted and loved. They may perceive that others in the family have more presents, are more special, and that family members may favour others, besides themselves. While wanting trust and acceptance themselves, it is often difficult for the adoptee to offer that same experience to others in their close circle.

Some adoptees due to early trauma often experience sensory overload during family celebrations which make it even more difficult to self-regulate, be empathic, and practice kindness. Responses may seem heightened, sensitive or inflexible and this can escalate behavior to a place where everyone feels the “most wonderful time of year” doesn’t apply to them or their family.

So, instead of having a perfect Christmas, the holidays can feel like a time of chaos and disappointment. So, how do we find balance between perfection and chaos? Here are a few ideas of how to consider the adoptee experience as you move into the holiday season.

1. Discuss expectations ahead of time with your partner, family or children. What do you hope for, what is hard for you, what do you anticipate is hard for your kids? What would feel good? What feels hard or overwhelming?
2. Be mindful of the frequency and duration of Christmas activities and to choose one or two activities that will feel good and are realistic for the most sensitive family member to feel comfortable engaging with.
3. Avoid surprises. Dr. Bruce Perry’s work on trauma and the brain reminds us that the brain doesn’t like surprises, and this is often evident in the experience of adoptees. Front load yourself as the adoptee or your children in you are parenting adoptees about what will happen before, during and after the big celebrations. This reduces anxiety and offers opportunities to mentally prepare and even practise for these experiences.  For young children it may help to have a “Christmas dress rehearsal” to practice opening a gift, one that the adoptee already has, and to talk about what that experience is like. You can counter the culture of surprise through having choice or control over your own environment and if you are parenting adoptees, you can offer choices to them.
4. Plan for opportunities for yourself or your children to have breaks during family events or celebrations. Keep things predictable. Think through where, when and how breaks can happen without any fuss or complications. It is important to practice co-regulation of emotions before assuming that the adoptee has the capacity to self-regulate.
5. Support your guests so that they understand your needs or your children’s needs and understand how these will be accommodated. Less guests is more likely to be successful as hypervigilant brains and bodies are constantly trying to attune to everyone’s experience.
6. Spread out the fun! All the Christmas presents do not need to be open all at once and all the Christmas food does not need to be eaten on that one day. It may be important to extend Christmas for a few days.

The goal is to create a holiday season that feels safe, connected and calm where adoptees feel that they can be authentic about their experience rather than needing to be and behave in ways that make everyone else feel good.  When the adoptee believes that their loved ones are open to their experiences and want to protect them from discomfort it will be easier for them to stay connected.

By: Dr. Joanne Crandall